Ugly Picture Challenge!

I am one of the most unphotogenic human beings the world has ever known. I can't even count the number of times I have taken a bad picture or how often my friends start "finding the most hideous picture of Brenna and post it all over the internet" contests. In light of that fact, and the fact that I am shameless when it comes to attention and funny things, I am going to show you my passport picture:

You're welcome.

I challenge any brave soul to try and one up this HIDEOUS picture. Your picture needs to be some kind of official ID, school ID, driver's license or passport. Not just some drunk picture your asshole buddies took of you. 

Email me at BrennaKellyFilms@yahoo.com or send it to me via Facebook. I will update this blog and announce a winner.

Another challenge is who can write the funniest caption to this photo in the below comment section.

The prize, you ask? GLORY.

Be Funny or Die. Seriously.

Recently, I shot a bunch of skits/sketches/little videos to post on Funny or Die (and You Tube, etc.). It was so much fun and the only drawback is that I am not able to shoot more often because of schedules and work and bar hopping. When I was in college, I was able to create and execute lots of videos, movies and musical hoopla's and that was such a wonderful time because it was a way of living out my dream on a smaller scale.

Another perk to doing things like this is that in a strange way, I am able to exist in the same world as Will Ferrell. That is, without cold calling everyone in the greater Los Angeles area, becoming a pizza delivery chick near his neighborhood, and generally not breaking a bunch of laws by stalking him. I have idolized that man since such a young age and seeing him on SNL in the late 90s is what inspired me to become a comedian. Someone like him, so dedicated to the art form called comedy, inspires me every day to fight for what I believe in and he provides fighters such as myself a forum to do so.

I know a lot of people that work jobs just to pay the bills while waiting for their big break. Half of my LA friends are the very fashionable "starving artists" and the other half spend their daily daydreams on a life less traveled. Being that R&B music producer, becoming the hot shot lawyer that takes the courtroom by storm, or evolving into the pulitzer prize winning author of a harrowing autobiography.

To take away our creative outlets, whether it be our career of choice or our weekly pottery class, would be to take a large piece of our humanity away. We are creative creatures and we need to have that release. I realize that I fall toward the more severe end of the creative spectrum and the loss of my creativity would equal the loss of not only my mental well being but also my heart. I strive every day to achieve my passion and life's purpose and I encourage everyone to do so as well. While mine may be to make you laugh, yours might be your children or your community sports programs. Whose to say which one is more important or more relevant when a part of yourself is at stake?

Do not disregard your (day) dreams and remember that life is not meant to just be survived. And of course, keep your sense of humor. Life without laughter is no life at all. Seriously.

You Know What I Hate? Part Two

These are some more things that I hate:

1. I hate watching the local Los Angeles news because the reporters all look so bizarre. I can't even concentrate on what they are saying because I'm trying to figure out why their eyebrows are trying to escape from their faces. They've had so much plastic surgery that the only way I know they're trying to show any emotion is by the flaring of a nostril. The left one usually indicates sympathy.

2. I hate when you ask for whipped cream and you get Cool Whip. Cool Whip is a nasty impostor and it tastes like plastic. Whipped cream is yummier and creamier and packed with way more sugar. It's like asking for a Swiss Roll and getting a Ho-Ho. Swiss Rolls are so much more moist and chocolatey. Ho-Ho's are dry and taste like plastic. Anyone who says differently is obviously a communist. Obviously.

3. I hate when you're on vacation and the only hot tub at the hotel is out of order because someone pooped in it. I mean, really? You couldn't just get out and poop in the pool? That would get fixed real quick because everyone lays around it and no one wants to stare at poo but the hot tub is always ignored because it's smaller, away from everything and only sexy people use it (Hey, everyone poops. Even sexy people.). So the next time you feel the hershey squirts coming on and can't sprint to the john in time, be polite, go in the pool. Preferably near a child.

4. I hate the "random" bag check they have before you board the plane after you've gone through security. Um, did we not just take off our shoes, jackets, and accessories, run through a metal detector, get felt up by Suge Knight, and x-rayed by the most invasive machine known to man to see if we had any weapons on us? I had to reveal that I was wearing socks with cats on them, was that in vain sirs? Now you want to check again. Well, I say nay. There's no way in hell a bomb got through that so if someone got any drugs through, I say let them have it, they earned it.

5. I hate when people have disturbingly long nose hair. It's like they don't have mirrors or anyone in their lives that care about them. No stranger wants you coming up to them, asking for directions, all the while your nose hairs are sticking out waving hello. That's victimizing another human being. Did they ask to be winked at by a rogue nostril strand? Hell no. So stop being so selfish and take a pair of GD scissors to it before it can hurt anyone else.

Werewolves Vs. Vampires

There is a very intelligent debate currently sweeping our nation and as an expert on teenage lust and irrationality, I thought I would weigh in. The debate I am referring to would be of the werewolves vs. vampires kind. No matter which creature you prefer, there are pros and cons to both.

As a nation, we are quite seduced with the idea of a real vampire. No matter what vampire rules you play by, chances are, that vamp is a hot piece of ass. Being pro-vampire makes sense because they're crazy strong, flawlessly pale, excellent dancers, in some instances they sparkle, and if you are embarrassed to be seen with them, good news - they can't come out during the day (Talk about the perfect booty call!). However, there is a dark side to these folks as well. They have no souls, they're cannibals (drinking blood is fucking eating people, ok?), they're creepy old, and a lot of times they're British. Oh yeah, and technically, they're dead. There's nothing sexy about necrophilia, twi-hards.

Although werewolves aren't usually as titillating as vampires, our culture has been enraptured by this species as long as the other (I don't know that that is factually correct. But I said it so let's assume it's true.). I get the hype, werewolves are men that turn into wolf things at night or on a full moon. Too many rules to address here as well. But the basics are about the same - man beasts with a lust for adventure, giant claw paws, and that needy "I'm so misunderstood" vibe going for them. Again though, there is a con side to this eccentric lifestyle. They are mutants, they eat people (the lines blur with cannibalism), the howling is so annoying, they have dog breath, and usually they end up naked in a field after returning to human form which can present some pretty awkward situations for everyone involved. Oh yeah, and all you planning on sexing one up, look up the laws on bestiality.

My final ruling is that both werewolves and vampires can be pretty badass. Their drawbacks are only drawbacks by human standards. Which would I rather bang? Vampires, hands down. I'm really not an animal person and I would rather hook up with something that at least resembles a man, not a manimal. Which one would I rather go out with to a bar? Werewolves, most def. They're known for downing copious amounts of jello shooters, which always leads to hysterical stories the next day, and if you got into a bar fight, it's a no brainer who would come out victorious (and full).

The verdict is in: werewolves and vampires are cool, the losers (like me) who debate over them, are not!

2010: The Year of the Breakthrough

2009 was a year of great improvements in my life. For one, I was proven right that Britney would indeed have her comeback. More importantly, I fell in love with a beach town where I now live and wrote a bunch of stuff I'm very proud of. 2010 needs to be a year for me and for you where we buckle down and see the fruition of all our hard work.

If you're like me, you spent NYE reflecting on the past year and wondering what the hell happened to all the money you made. A lot of you will probably say student loans or new cars, but mine is mostly just going out to bars and paying secret mistresses to shut their whorish mouths. This year I will be 25 years old and I really don't have much to show for it besides 25 years worth of tattoos, drunken stories and terrible hair dying experiences.

When I traveled downtown for the NYE party that DNasty and I were to attend, I felt sorry for myself. I'm not where I would like to be in my career, I'm eternally single, and I'm still trying to suck in the chunk that I swore I would lose last year. I stared up at the full, blue moon and sang along to Lady Gaga hoping it would lift my spirits.

The feeling deepened when we entered the soundstage/club and realized that all the VERY expensive VIP areas were crowded with 18 year olds. It's not awesome to realize you are on the wrong side of 20 in Hollywood and seeing the black guy from Reno 911 was cool, but didn't pull me out of it.

Before midnight I took out my phone and realized I had a ton of texts and phone calls. So many people wishing the best, missing me, and telling me that they love me. I shut my phone and had an epiphany - I am one of the luckiest people in the world.

It doesn't matter that I'm not famous yet or that Ryan Reynolds hasn't realized his true feelings for me. I have a family and so many friends who love me unconditionally and have unwavering support for me, even when I'm in doubt of myself. I've made so many mistakes and fashion faux pas and yet I'm still here, aspiring and inspiring. I mean, WWBD? (What Would Britney Do?) She had so much more to battle and claw through to get her life back. Just when she was bald, crazy, a little fat and we were all losing hope, she turned it around and is kicking ass again (whether people like it or not). Are we so different? Well, yes, but you can see where I'm going.

Midnight struck and a cloud of sparkly confetti swirled around me. The year changed and so did I, because it was time. I need to focus more, be more disciplined, party a little less. This is to be the year I breakthrough and I would push others to do it with me. Whatever they've been striving for, I would help. Even if it's just with my words.

And so I urge you all to do what you love and pursue passion of any kind. By the time another strange, full, blue moon comes around, I hope we can all look back and see years of love, happiness, and fun. What will you do this year?

A Musical Guide to the Holidays

Ah, the holidays are upon us as we scramble to get last minute gifts done and pre New Year's botox injected. I know how hard it is for all of you out there to juggle responsibilities and drug habits, so I am here to ease your load.

In all of this hubbub, when do you get the chance to do something for you? You are a nice, magical person just like the rest of us, so sit back and let me check off something from your "To Do" list. I took it upon myself to suggest a compilation of my favorite holiday songs that are not only a treat for your ears, but one for your abdomen muscles as well. They are as follows:

"Funky, Funky Xmas" by the New Kids on the Block
This sweet jam, circa 1989, not only encourages you to enjoy yourself on Christmas, but to get funky with it. Assuming the word "funky" is supposed to mean cool or groovy, they missed the mark by being rapping white children from the 80s whose pants could be used a safety device in an emergency plane landing on the Atlantic Ocean. Needless to say, this group is the authority on classy apparel and musical epiphanies, so rockin' their album is the obvious choice.

"Jingle Bells" by Barbara Streisand
My favorite Jew took a classic holiday song and sang it to make you feel as though you just took a line of coke off your grandma's dresser. Trying to keep up with her while spewing out lyrics that have been ingrained in you since childhood is a hard feat. Instead of feeling like a loser, download this song and turn it into a drinking game. Anyone who can't sing - you'll end up shouting actually (trust me) - the first verse without sounding like a Mets player with a stutter, drink!

"Christmas Tree" by Lady Gaga (featuring Space Cowboy)
This dance song is crazy and unsafe. She sings about tasting her Christmas tree and that it's "delicious". Do not chew or nibble on your tree. The pine leaves will scratch your face and the bark will kill you. Then, she claims she wants people to get under the tree! What? You put presents under your tree, not people. Finally, she wants to take off her clothes and "Fa la la la la"... um... oh, wait...

"Merry Xmas, Happy Holidays" by *NSYNC
I don't care who you are or how much you don't believe in God, it is impossible not get amped when pumping this track. This is the holiday song that no one wants to admit that they love because it's *NSync and the video showcases their ability to fly over the earth in a sleigh, feed a bunch of homeless guys (who are presumably gay), and dance through feathers without their hair moving a inch. Jealousy is an unfortunate thing and should not be present during the holidays. (Get it? Present? HA)

" I Wanna Rock You Hard This Christmas" by the Dan Band
If anyone knows me well, they know that I like my music chocked full of blatant, sexual innuendo. The Dan Band does not disappoint with this holiday romp encouraging us to enjoy our holiday "While the egg nog is all noggy, and the fire is all aglow, while our bodies are heatin' up in yuletide places down below!" And with a Christmas album entitled "Ho", they've got my heart and my Christmas Tree! (I'm onto you Lady Gaga!)

"Dick in a Box" by the Lonely Island (Performed by Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake)
I like this track mostly because it involves a smorgasbord of holidays - Kwanzaa (a personal fave), Hanukkah, the Country Music Awards and Christmas. Their message is equality. Everyone deserves such a fine gift on their religious, sacred holiday of choice. Maybe if our world leaders would take a hint from this song and video, including the amazing blazers, we would have a little more world peace and a little less aggression.

"Where are You Christmas?" by Faith Hill
Holy shit. Faith Hill lost Christmas. There are gonna be some pissed off gentiles come December 25th. Ironic that she sang this song for the The Grinch Who Stole Christmas movie because it wasn't the big, creepy green dude we had to worry about. Although belting out this number in my car, drastically off tune and at a frightening loud decibel, is a butt load of fun, my advice to you, Faith, is that the next time you lose a national holiday, don't sing about it. Just lie and say you swore you saw it on the counter before you left and either the dog or the baby got to it (Because no one can get mad at dogs or babies.).

"I'll Be Home for Christmas" by any artist
This is my all time favorite Christmas song. I have lived away, very far away, from home for so long that this always makes me nostalgic and happy. It's a great song for soldiers who are overseas or for anyone who is missing loved ones. Even if you don't celebrate any holidays or have any religious beliefs, it is so nice to be able to go home and visit friends and family once a year. You can reconnect with old acquaintances, stroll through your hometown, and most importantly, prove to your grandparents that you aren't a lesbian like they predicted you would be. Oh, and of course, free presents! Holla!

This Christmas, BNasty!

I'm constantly giving people advice on career  moves, relationships, and how many tequila shots is too many. Since everyone wants to know how to have a fabulous holiday, it is only natural that they turn to me for the answers. Although Christmas is not my favorite holiday (Halloween is by far!), I still not how to rock the shit out of it.

Let's be real here, this holiday is all about traveling, booze, and trying not to get fat in the short span of time that you're home. I'll address the traveling first; no matter what, it's gonna suck. There will be lines, angry airline workers, and inevitably the fattest dude on the plane will try to sit next to you. Then he'll do his fat guy breathing all over you and steal your arm rest.

This brings me to my next point - booze. Don't wait until you're home with people who have a way of making you feel sympathy towards those who commit homicide. Start in the bar while you wait for your plane. Better yet, get a buddy to drop you off at the airport and start in the car. If you do that, you might even be able to take a cat nap on the plane while Jabba the Hut sucks up everyone's oxygen.

Once you are sufficiently sauced up, you arrive home and start stuffing your face with your mother's buttery mashed potatoes and your dad's secret stash of very expensive brandy. If you keep this up for days on end, the last month you spent sweating out your insides at the gym will all have been for nothing. And that dress you bought for NYE will literally scream when you try to squeeze it over your chunk. To counteract this glorious fatfest... dance bitches. DANCE. (See my blog about my fave Xmas songs for something to get that rump a shakin'!) I don't care when or where you do it, just do it. When you're gnawing on that titanic piece of ham, do the Tootsie Roll. When you're helping your sisters put up Xmas lights, do the Roger Rabbit.  When you're giving the Christmas toast, do the Sprinkler.  Just get creative and keep that fine fanny moving!

In closing, my advice to all of you is simple: love the ones you're with, enjoy whatever holiday that your parents have forced upon you, and most of all, BNasty!