Tuesday, March 16, 2010

You Know What They Say...

Have you ever wondered to yourself, who the fuck are "they"? And where do "they" find the time to say all these things? I wouldn't mind getting hired as one of "them" and just start making shit up.

It's always the most bizarre sayings that get thrown at you in an attempt to make you feel better. "Be careful what you wish for, you may just get it". Ummm... I know. That's why I'm wishing for it. Otherwise, I would have revamped my wish to specify that I not receive it. "Have confidence in yourself and you can lick anything". That's just bad advice, destined to end in a porn career or a quick bout of H1N1. "What is meant to be will be". This may be true, however, you may be destined to be punched in the mouth by my fist-o-fury. Does that saying make you feel any better about it?

Then there are the obvious ones like "You can't buy love". It's like they've never heard of Russian mail order brides; it's a business where everyone wins. "You can't have your cake and it, too". I'm not sure what this crackhead does with their cake, but one thing is fo sho - if you put any kind of sugary goodness in front of my fat ass, whether it's yours, mine or unknown, I will eat it. "No news is good news". Erroneous. This person has apparently never called a guy expecting a second date and received nada in return. They also haven't had the joy of going to an acting audition. "Your time is the greatest gift you can give someone". Nope. Two words - free pizza.

Of course we can't ignore the sayings that don't make any goddamn sense. For example, "You are what you eat". The only way that this could be true would be to eat another person, but cannibalism is illegal. Tempting, but illegal. "Can't get blood from a stone". Who is under the impression that you could? While we're on the topic, if you could get something, anything, out of a stone, why would you choose blood? You don't know if that blood has AIDS and once you get the blood, what were your plans for it? Try to get money out of a stone, it's more productive.

"Never look a gift horse in the mouth" is by far the most bewildering of all sayings to me. Firstly, I have always had a healthy fear of horses so I was completely unaware that some of them gave out gifts. Or is that just slang for reindeer? Also, why can't you look it in the mouth? I would assume that that is where the gifts come out and would refuse to take a "gift" from  the other end.

A "Word to the wise" maybe be"Just because everyone's doing something doesn't mean it's right" but "A little bird told me" that that's only true about everything but Glee.