Have you ever gone to a gym and looked around at all the hot and impossibly fit people running on treadmills at a rate you know your tubby ass could never achieve? Does it make you bitter or give you low self esteem? Worry no longer my friends, your next ego boost in down one level - in the sauna.
I don't know how many of you go to a gym that even has a sauna, but I beg of you to check it out if you do. The scene that takes place in the swimming pool area is one of horrendous delight. That sweaty, fat, creepy dude from work that always stares at you? Yeah, he's down there.
Every time I go into the sauna, my eyes are assaulted by what awaits me; I always take an uneasy pause before entering. For example, today, Obese Fat Man with random patches of back hair sat wheezing away before me. After 30 seconds of sweating out what I can only guess was McRibb grease, he left only to be replaced by an Old Asian Man who curled up like a cat. Not too bad until I look down and realize that not one, but all of his toenails are 3 inches too long and very possibly dead. (Yum.) Finally, Anorexic Crazy Lady strolls in donning a fur coat. (Really?)
The plethora of questions I have can only be answered by the obvious - homeless people have finally discovered that there's a back door that's unlocked AND old, fat men refuse to do any more "exercise" than sit and sweat somewhere. It's a safe haven for these special people where their freak flags can fly high and proud. And I have to hand it to them, they don't give a fuck what you think, proving so by presenting their rockin' bods like a gift to the sauna gods.
Unfortunately, I love me some sauna. So I guess I need to start making friends... I think I'll start with one of the obese guys because then we can trade fast food combo secrets. Mmm, McRibb...