Thursday, January 21, 2010

You Know What I Hate? Part Two

These are some more things that I hate:

1. I hate watching the local Los Angeles news because the reporters all look so bizarre. I can't even concentrate on what they are saying because I'm trying to figure out why their eyebrows are trying to escape from their faces. They've had so much plastic surgery that the only way I know they're trying to show any emotion is by the flaring of a nostril. The left one usually indicates sympathy.

2. I hate when you ask for whipped cream and you get Cool Whip. Cool Whip is a nasty impostor and it tastes like plastic. Whipped cream is yummier and creamier and packed with way more sugar. It's like asking for a Swiss Roll and getting a Ho-Ho. Swiss Rolls are so much more moist and chocolatey. Ho-Ho's are dry and taste like plastic. Anyone who says differently is obviously a communist. Obviously.

3. I hate when you're on vacation and the only hot tub at the hotel is out of order because someone pooped in it. I mean, really? You couldn't just get out and poop in the pool? That would get fixed real quick because everyone lays around it and no one wants to stare at poo but the hot tub is always ignored because it's smaller, away from everything and only sexy people use it (Hey, everyone poops. Even sexy people.). So the next time you feel the hershey squirts coming on and can't sprint to the john in time, be polite, go in the pool. Preferably near a child.

4. I hate the "random" bag check they have before you board the plane after you've gone through security. Um, did we not just take off our shoes, jackets, and accessories, run through a metal detector, get felt up by Suge Knight, and x-rayed by the most invasive machine known to man to see if we had any weapons on us? I had to reveal that I was wearing socks with cats on them, was that in vain sirs? Now you want to check again. Well, I say nay. There's no way in hell a bomb got through that so if someone got any drugs through, I say let them have it, they earned it.

5. I hate when people have disturbingly long nose hair. It's like they don't have mirrors or anyone in their lives that care about them. No stranger wants you coming up to them, asking for directions, all the while your nose hairs are sticking out waving hello. That's victimizing another human being. Did they ask to be winked at by a rogue nostril strand? Hell no. So stop being so selfish and take a pair of GD scissors to it before it can hurt anyone else.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Werewolves Vs. Vampires

There is a very intelligent debate currently sweeping our nation and as an expert on teenage lust and irrationality, I thought I would weigh in. The debate I am referring to would be of the werewolves vs. vampires kind. No matter which creature you prefer, there are pros and cons to both.

As a nation, we are quite seduced with the idea of a real vampire. No matter what vampire rules you play by, chances are, that vamp is a hot piece of ass. Being pro-vampire makes sense because they're crazy strong, flawlessly pale, excellent dancers, in some instances they sparkle, and if you are embarrassed to be seen with them, good news - they can't come out during the day (Talk about the perfect booty call!). However, there is a dark side to these folks as well. They have no souls, they're cannibals (drinking blood is fucking eating people, ok?), they're creepy old, and a lot of times they're British. Oh yeah, and technically, they're dead. There's nothing sexy about necrophilia, twi-hards.

Although werewolves aren't usually as titillating as vampires, our culture has been enraptured by this species as long as the other (I don't know that that is factually correct. But I said it so let's assume it's true.). I get the hype, werewolves are men that turn into wolf things at night or on a full moon. Too many rules to address here as well. But the basics are about the same - man beasts with a lust for adventure, giant claw paws, and that needy "I'm so misunderstood" vibe going for them. Again though, there is a con side to this eccentric lifestyle. They are mutants, they eat people (the lines blur with cannibalism), the howling is so annoying, they have dog breath, and usually they end up naked in a field after returning to human form which can present some pretty awkward situations for everyone involved. Oh yeah, and all you planning on sexing one up, look up the laws on bestiality.

My final ruling is that both werewolves and vampires can be pretty badass. Their drawbacks are only drawbacks by human standards. Which would I rather bang? Vampires, hands down. I'm really not an animal person and I would rather hook up with something that at least resembles a man, not a manimal. Which one would I rather go out with to a bar? Werewolves, most def. They're known for downing copious amounts of jello shooters, which always leads to hysterical stories the next day, and if you got into a bar fight, it's a no brainer who would come out victorious (and full).

The verdict is in: werewolves and vampires are cool, the losers (like me) who debate over them, are not!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

2010: The Year of the Breakthrough

2009 was a year of great improvements in my life. For one, I was proven right that Britney would indeed have her comeback. More importantly, I fell in love with a beach town where I now live and wrote a bunch of stuff I'm very proud of. 2010 needs to be a year for me and for you where we buckle down and see the fruition of all our hard work.

If you're like me, you spent NYE reflecting on the past year and wondering what the hell happened to all the money you made. A lot of you will probably say student loans or new cars, but mine is mostly just going out to bars and paying secret mistresses to shut their whorish mouths. This year I will be 25 years old and I really don't have much to show for it besides 25 years worth of tattoos, drunken stories and terrible hair dying experiences.

When I traveled downtown for the NYE party that DNasty and I were to attend, I felt sorry for myself. I'm not where I would like to be in my career, I'm eternally single, and I'm still trying to suck in the chunk that I swore I would lose last year. I stared up at the full, blue moon and sang along to Lady Gaga hoping it would lift my spirits.

The feeling deepened when we entered the soundstage/club and realized that all the VERY expensive VIP areas were crowded with 18 year olds. It's not awesome to realize you are on the wrong side of 20 in Hollywood and seeing the black guy from Reno 911 was cool, but didn't pull me out of it.

Before midnight I took out my phone and realized I had a ton of texts and phone calls. So many people wishing the best, missing me, and telling me that they love me. I shut my phone and had an epiphany - I am one of the luckiest people in the world.

It doesn't matter that I'm not famous yet or that Ryan Reynolds hasn't realized his true feelings for me. I have a family and so many friends who love me unconditionally and have unwavering support for me, even when I'm in doubt of myself. I've made so many mistakes and fashion faux pas and yet I'm still here, aspiring and inspiring. I mean, WWBD? (What Would Britney Do?) She had so much more to battle and claw through to get her life back. Just when she was bald, crazy, a little fat and we were all losing hope, she turned it around and is kicking ass again (whether people like it or not). Are we so different? Well, yes, but you can see where I'm going.

Midnight struck and a cloud of sparkly confetti swirled around me. The year changed and so did I, because it was time. I need to focus more, be more disciplined, party a little less. This is to be the year I breakthrough and I would push others to do it with me. Whatever they've been striving for, I would help. Even if it's just with my words.

And so I urge you all to do what you love and pursue passion of any kind. By the time another strange, full, blue moon comes around, I hope we can all look back and see years of love, happiness, and fun. What will you do this year?