Wednesday, December 16, 2009

A Musical Guide to the Holidays

Ah, the holidays are upon us as we scramble to get last minute gifts done and pre New Year's botox injected. I know how hard it is for all of you out there to juggle responsibilities and drug habits, so I am here to ease your load.

In all of this hubbub, when do you get the chance to do something for you? You are a nice, magical person just like the rest of us, so sit back and let me check off something from your "To Do" list. I took it upon myself to suggest a compilation of my favorite holiday songs that are not only a treat for your ears, but one for your abdomen muscles as well. They are as follows:

"Funky, Funky Xmas" by the New Kids on the Block
This sweet jam, circa 1989, not only encourages you to enjoy yourself on Christmas, but to get funky with it. Assuming the word "funky" is supposed to mean cool or groovy, they missed the mark by being rapping white children from the 80s whose pants could be used a safety device in an emergency plane landing on the Atlantic Ocean. Needless to say, this group is the authority on classy apparel and musical epiphanies, so rockin' their album is the obvious choice.

"Jingle Bells" by Barbara Streisand
My favorite Jew took a classic holiday song and sang it to make you feel as though you just took a line of coke off your grandma's dresser. Trying to keep up with her while spewing out lyrics that have been ingrained in you since childhood is a hard feat. Instead of feeling like a loser, download this song and turn it into a drinking game. Anyone who can't sing - you'll end up shouting actually (trust me) - the first verse without sounding like a Mets player with a stutter, drink!

"Christmas Tree" by Lady Gaga (featuring Space Cowboy)
This dance song is crazy and unsafe. She sings about tasting her Christmas tree and that it's "delicious". Do not chew or nibble on your tree. The pine leaves will scratch your face and the bark will kill you. Then, she claims she wants people to get under the tree! What? You put presents under your tree, not people. Finally, she wants to take off her clothes and "Fa la la la la"... um... oh, wait...

"Merry Xmas, Happy Holidays" by *NSYNC
I don't care who you are or how much you don't believe in God, it is impossible not get amped when pumping this track. This is the holiday song that no one wants to admit that they love because it's *NSync and the video showcases their ability to fly over the earth in a sleigh, feed a bunch of homeless guys (who are presumably gay), and dance through feathers without their hair moving a inch. Jealousy is an unfortunate thing and should not be present during the holidays. (Get it? Present? HA)

" I Wanna Rock You Hard This Christmas" by the Dan Band
If anyone knows me well, they know that I like my music chocked full of blatant, sexual innuendo. The Dan Band does not disappoint with this holiday romp encouraging us to enjoy our holiday "While the egg nog is all noggy, and the fire is all aglow, while our bodies are heatin' up in yuletide places down below!" And with a Christmas album entitled "Ho", they've got my heart and my Christmas Tree! (I'm onto you Lady Gaga!)

"Dick in a Box" by the Lonely Island (Performed by Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake)
I like this track mostly because it involves a smorgasbord of holidays - Kwanzaa (a personal fave), Hanukkah, the Country Music Awards and Christmas. Their message is equality. Everyone deserves such a fine gift on their religious, sacred holiday of choice. Maybe if our world leaders would take a hint from this song and video, including the amazing blazers, we would have a little more world peace and a little less aggression.

"Where are You Christmas?" by Faith Hill
Holy shit. Faith Hill lost Christmas. There are gonna be some pissed off gentiles come December 25th. Ironic that she sang this song for the The Grinch Who Stole Christmas movie because it wasn't the big, creepy green dude we had to worry about. Although belting out this number in my car, drastically off tune and at a frightening loud decibel, is a butt load of fun, my advice to you, Faith, is that the next time you lose a national holiday, don't sing about it. Just lie and say you swore you saw it on the counter before you left and either the dog or the baby got to it (Because no one can get mad at dogs or babies.).

"I'll Be Home for Christmas" by any artist
This is my all time favorite Christmas song. I have lived away, very far away, from home for so long that this always makes me nostalgic and happy. It's a great song for soldiers who are overseas or for anyone who is missing loved ones. Even if you don't celebrate any holidays or have any religious beliefs, it is so nice to be able to go home and visit friends and family once a year. You can reconnect with old acquaintances, stroll through your hometown, and most importantly, prove to your grandparents that you aren't a lesbian like they predicted you would be. Oh, and of course, free presents! Holla!

Friday, December 11, 2009

This Christmas, BNasty!

I'm constantly giving people advice on career  moves, relationships, and how many tequila shots is too many. Since everyone wants to know how to have a fabulous holiday, it is only natural that they turn to me for the answers. Although Christmas is not my favorite holiday (Halloween is by far!), I still not how to rock the shit out of it.

Let's be real here, this holiday is all about traveling, booze, and trying not to get fat in the short span of time that you're home. I'll address the traveling first; no matter what, it's gonna suck. There will be lines, angry airline workers, and inevitably the fattest dude on the plane will try to sit next to you. Then he'll do his fat guy breathing all over you and steal your arm rest.

This brings me to my next point - booze. Don't wait until you're home with people who have a way of making you feel sympathy towards those who commit homicide. Start in the bar while you wait for your plane. Better yet, get a buddy to drop you off at the airport and start in the car. If you do that, you might even be able to take a cat nap on the plane while Jabba the Hut sucks up everyone's oxygen.

Once you are sufficiently sauced up, you arrive home and start stuffing your face with your mother's buttery mashed potatoes and your dad's secret stash of very expensive brandy. If you keep this up for days on end, the last month you spent sweating out your insides at the gym will all have been for nothing. And that dress you bought for NYE will literally scream when you try to squeeze it over your chunk. To counteract this glorious fatfest... dance bitches. DANCE. (See my blog about my fave Xmas songs for something to get that rump a shakin'!) I don't care when or where you do it, just do it. When you're gnawing on that titanic piece of ham, do the Tootsie Roll. When you're helping your sisters put up Xmas lights, do the Roger Rabbit.  When you're giving the Christmas toast, do the Sprinkler.  Just get creative and keep that fine fanny moving!

In closing, my advice to all of you is simple: love the ones you're with, enjoy whatever holiday that your parents have forced upon you, and most of all, BNasty!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Top Ten Reasons I Will Probably Murder a Cab Driver

Have you ever had the utter joy of riding in a taxi? If not, get your country ass out to a city where you can have the grimy experience of riding in one and meeting the scum of the earth - cabbies! Here is a list of reasons that may lead to a guilty conviction of mine one day:

10. 98% of cab drivers do not speak English in America. Like, at all. Okay, they might know numbers, but unless you are a computer, it is hard to have a conversation based on about ten digits. They speak a common language all over the world - Asshole. (It's the secondary language in Canada, for the record.)

9. They never encourage you to wear a seatbelt. They don't care about your safety. All they care about is their POS car and that you don't puke in it. To counteract their lack of human emotion, I actively try to puke every time I am in a taxi, wether I've been drinking or not.

8. All cab drivers are on their blue tooths the ENTIRE time they're driving. I don't know who the hell they're talking to, but I know for sure it's not their mothers. You see, cab drivers are grown in factories overseas. They have no mothers. Or souls.

7. Speaking of no souls, one time I was in Vegas trying to get a cab ride to the hospital because my friend had been taken to the ER. Every time I told the driver I needed to go to the hospital, they sped off and left. You see, they would rather leave a person to die outside of a casino than to risk anything happening to their stained, booze covered shit mobiles. No souls.

6. Taxi drivers always try to take you the long way, hiking up the price of the ride. And when you correct them, they start huffing and puffing and before you know it, you're in a full scale cuss out session with the guy, threatening him, his family, and his beloved blue tooth. I really fucking hate having to cuss.

5. Cabbies are overly defensive. One time, I was leaving a club and some band was smoking a bunch of pot. As I stepped into the cab, I mentioned to my friend that it smelled like a pot factory outside. The driver turned and said "You have a problem with my incense?" and I was all like "Huh?"(He is one of the 2% of cabbies that speak English.) After clearing up what I was talking about, I then got mad because I had to explain myself to this cretin. So, instead of sitting there in silence, I made obnoxious remarks about him and his stupid incense for the rest of the ride. One comment was along the lines of "I hope your incense burns the car down."

4. All cab drivers have a bizarre tick. I have seen them shake, seize, blink excessively, growl, snore, sing, sit on the horn and hold the middle finger up the entire duration of the ride. My friend had a cabbie that barked at red lights. I had a cabbie that picked me up - he literally looked like a corpse - and mumbled to himself the whole time. When we came to a stop, he became quiet. I thought he died.

3. These creatures never respond to you, so you must assume they understand what you tell them. For instance, I told a cabbie my address. I fell asleep and 40 min later we are on the side of the rode and he was consulting a map. After I got us to my house, I demanded to not pay the full amount because he was driving in circles and never told me he didn't know where he was going. This resulted in me and him outside the cab in each other's faces. He claimed I was blackmailing him. Obviously, he was not apart of the 2%. So I gave him a good old fashioned verbal lashing and then went inside when he threatened to call the cops. I knew I was safe because he claimed that he would call 411.

2. In the great state of California, all taxis MUST accept credit cards as a form of payment. No matter what they tell you. They do not like to do this, however, because then they have to claim their tips. I have had more fights then I can remember (literally) with these drivers because they won't take a card. Then, when they finally give in realizing that they won't get paid if they don't, they bitch at you because you don't tip. Hey buddy, next time don't accuse me of being drunk and unruly and I won't insult you, your religion and I may just leave you a tip. But probably not.

1. Every taxi these days has a GPS. I'm not sure why this pisses me off so badly but I think it's because cab drivers are supposed to know where they are and where they are going. Also, GPS will take you the shortest route, so they have no excuse to screw you over by taking the long way. Mostly, it upsets me when I give them an address and the name of an infamous bar or restaurant and their GPS doesn't recognize it so they turn to you and shrug. Are you fucking kidding me? What do you suppose I should do? Just go somewhere else? That's like going to a lawyer and saying your 1st amendment rights have been denied and they tell you that their internet is down so they're not really sure wtf the 1st amendment is but if they had access to Wikapedia they could represent you. Maybe.

These are my reasons for hating the necessary evil that is taxis and their drivers. I hope you all join me in my efforts to puke in every cab I ride in. Make me proud!

A Ghost Did It!

One of my greatest fascinations and greatest fears in this life is the paranormal. I love it, study it, talk extensively about it and yet, God forbid, if I ever saw a ghost (spirit, whatever), I would shit myself.

Since I was a kid, I have laid awake at night, convinced that any noise in the dark is a ghost. I cannot accept that the house is settling. It's far more logical that a civil war soldier is re enacting his last moments on earth in the living room than the fact that it's winter and the wood frame is contrasting.

I blame my family.

When I was young, my sister Laura, who I shared a room with, would talk in her sleep/ threaten me and my little brother John would sleep walk, resulting in a very active night life for my imagination. My oldest sister tells me that I claimed to have seen "Mary the mother of God" when my parents forced us to go on a trip to Catholic Family Land (Yes, that actually exists, but that's a whole 'nother story for a whole 'nother blog!) and ended up in a cemetery. And my parents and teachers told me that if I didn't take communion at church, then the devil would be able to not only possess me, but physically harm me. Good times.

As an adult, I have a had a few weird, "ghostly" experiences. I have had a lot of those instances where you put something down, go back for it, it's gone, you search everywhere and then suddenly it's on the floor in the middle of the room. More so, I have had bizarre noises (a tapping on my coffee table while my room mate and I were talking), physical movements (I saw my phone move), Hank the ghost which is a long ass story, and a glass smash by itself in the middle of my kitchen. All of these situations scared me, but why should they? If you believe as I do, there is a life after we die here on earth. Can't these visits perhaps be nice people that I have loved saying "what's crackalackin'?"? (For the record, I am pretty sure my Grandpa wouldn't break a very expensive wine glass just to say hi.) I love the debate, either way.

As you're reading this, you are most likely doubting me and what I "think" I've seen or heard. Perhaps your own spiritual beliefs would prevent you from thinking anything supernatural exists. I do, however, and one day I am gonna get my happy ass on Ghost Hunters, see a ghost and then freak out. It will be glorious and aired for the world to see.

In the meantime, I will keep my eyes and ears peeled for my next encounter with the afterlife. And when my room mate asks who drank the last of the vodka, I'll tell her the truth. A ghost did it!