Friday, April 30, 2010

Get Out My Face Space!

"Facebook is like a hot tub time machine; it's an amazing invention that can bring joy to millions, but if abused, could tear down civilization as we know it." - Brenna E. Kelly

Most people use Facebook to share pictures with loved ones or to catch up with friends from the past. (I use the site to promote my many bidnesses such as comedy writings and an ever popular sticker club.) This site was given to us so that we may tell all of our friends what we're doing at any given moment of the day. So when the holy grail of internet stalking is being threatened, when is the time to take a stand for what's right?

It has become acceptable for small children, old people and even cats to have their own pages. This cannot be tolerated. The children bring in fan pages for "Sunshine" and "Flip Flops". (You want me to believe that a pair or flip flops as an entirety got together and decided to make a page on FB because they felt left out? Impossible - flip flops don't have opposable thumbs and thus cannot type.) The old people make fan pages about "God" and "Missing the days when I could see my feet". (No one cares. Die already and free up the space so I can make a fan page for my cat.)

These outcasts bring not only those inane fan pages but also appalling games like Mafia Wars. Then, when you don't join their dumb ass game, they repeatedly resend you the invitation over and over until you have to have an incredibly uncomfortable intervention via your blog page. (You know who you are, KRISTINA LAUREN PAULOS.) Seriously, stop sending that shit out, everyone is talking about you behind your back on FB chat and calling you all those names you suspect.

The worst, by far, are the people airing dirty laundry on their status updates. I suggest not telling the world about your cheating husband and raging bout of hemorrhoids for fear of coming off as less than classy. When you write an entire paragraph detailing the minutia of your daily chores, everyone thinks you're a loser and your mother doesn't love you. Why? Because if you had people in your life, you would talk to them about your "way too hot cup of coffee" and not a computer screen. Song lyrics referencing a hostile situation you're in isn't any better, it just makes you a passive aggressive idiot. Taylor Swift doesn't want you using her words to tell your ex what's up in a public forum. In fact, she hates you.

With great power comes great responsibility. It is in our hands to keep prestigious networking sites such as Facebook a safe place to connect in the cyber world. After all, if we don't protect the integrity of this holy site, we'll be left with nothing but another Myspace. No one wants that. Not even Tom.

1 comment:

  1. WTF? When did Mafia Wars stop being cool? Oh, right, it never was. I thought people liked getting 100 requests a day to get new guns or Ray Liottas....Shit, I guess I missed the memo.

    God, I'm so embarrassed. Do you think this means I should delete my farm town too?