Thursday, September 3, 2009

Vegas: Gross... Amazing

Holy shit.

DeVon, Cayce, Morgan, and myself went to Vegas this past weekend for birthday shenanigans... shenanigans indeed.

We arrived at the Luxor, immediatley blaring a barrage of nonstop Lady GaGa from the hotel room in a haze of hairspray and glitter. Being broke, we packed snacks and a handle of Smirnoff's finest. Pre-gaming is an art that I like to believe I have perfected. (You want to get a decent buzz, but not so much that you can't get past security at the desired bar you will be attending.) 

Stepping off the elevator, we were invited to free drinks at a club called Rok at New York, New York. Yes please. As we arrived, we realized our sweet DeVon has not yet perfected the pre-game tight rope. God forbid we stand in line for three minutes - do they know what we look like?! After informing the entire line of how unnatractive they were, she marched up to the bouncer and got us straight in. Although no one in the club wanted to talk to us because of the rant, we did get in and got our free drank on. DeVon-1, Ugly People-0.

Free drinks run out so the next obvious step is pizza. We're getting sleepy... long day. We make our way back to the Luxor but decide to give LAX Club a go (even though it sucked two years ago and it would surely suck tonight.) The moment we step inside, a promoter pops out of nowhere and leads us to the VIP bottle service section (ropes and all bitches). I thought it was because it was my bday... turns out Father Time had a table and wanted some young girls around. However, they were nice and really didn't bother us so we drank their free booze and danced. I don't actually remember the rest of the night but Devon speaks of a red haze (aka Noir After Hours Club) where we drank some more VIP booze that I obviously didn't need. A French man name Michelle (it was so fun to say!) and a chiropracter whose name still escapes me hung out with us there. (I abused said doctor. [I slapped him in the face, called him a pussy, and held his mouth shut when he was trying to have a convo with me. I assume I thought it was funny.] After the abuse, he actually thought I was awesome. Turns out he was right.) We didn't get back to the room until the sun rose. 

In the meantime, the Sisters McFreaky (Cayce and Morgan) go back to the room, break out some hummus we packed, and turn on the TV. Cayce starts ralphing into her hands (quite red from the Sun Dried Tomato hummus) while Morgan sprinted to retrieve a trash can. Then, Cayce forces Morgan to clean her hands off. Ah, sisterly love.

Next day - pool. It's my actual birthday and i think I lost 6 pounds due to severe dehyrdation (I looked great.) A promoter earlier had stopped us to offer free champagne that night and shots if we showed up to a place called The Cathouse (Sidenote: If it's in the Luxor, assume it blows.). Never ones to turn down free stuff, we show up. We had to wait a minute which did NOT sit well with our fearless DeVon. Once in, we got our free champers that tasted oddly similar to piss (don't ask how I know that). I drank it anways out of principle. Looking around, someone allowed 4 incredibly fat, unattractive 40 somethings to basically pole dance for our delight (to be clear I think everyone should be able to get in to whatever club/bar they wish. But for the love of God, if you look like John Goodman in drag, stay off the fucking tables). We need to go because an elderly woman hit me with her oxygen tank while trying to do the A Town stomp. DeVon- 1 Ugly People - 1.

We meet some of Dev's cousins and the lovely Kristin and Liz at Studio 54. Perfect! People are buying me drinks all over the place and I am dropping them accordingly. However, we are amongst the "normals" and obviously we don't belong there. VIP section here we come! More free bottle service with people I couldn't pick out of a line up. It's 3am... we need to call an "early night" b/c we have to check into Rehab in the morning (but not before pizza and a stale birthday donut). We walk back from MGM, sans 5 inch heels, and promptly get AIDS on our feet (DeVon actually steps in spit. Turned on yet?)

8:30 am - Woosh!! Curtains fly open and sunlight rips into the room searing my bloodshot eyes. Devon's awake, turning on GaGa and dancing around the room.
Cayce: "Wow, Devon's acting like it's Christmas morning."
Me: "Hun, to her this IS Christmas morning." 
There isn't enough hemerroid cream in the universe to cure the swelling around my eyes. I chunk on the make-up and hope for the best. Who cares, I'm still a little drunk anyways.

We use our hook-up at Rehab and get in quite quickly. For the most part, this pool party was everything we had dreamed... minus the fact that half of New Jersey was smeared across it, insistent on throwing their overly tanned bodies into the booze/dirt infested pool screaming things like "Look at my gold chains!" and "How perfect are my eyebrows?" Aside from them, the hotness I was promised was there. Brok from "Tough Love" actually checked me out - in a bathing suit. Well, that or the combined shocking paleness of Cayce and me was enough for a double take. Kristin, Liz, and Dev found some guys who wanted to give us free booze from their bottle service at a cabana (turns out that it wasn't actually theirs... mad points for hitting on girls using other people's stuff.) 

After a quick cat nap, we got ready to go to a place at the Hard Rock called Body English. Not before a saunter inter a rocker bar called Wasted Space (which happens to explain it perfectly). The bands that played thoroughly scared the girls so we left for the other club. Literally, the second we step in, we are ushered into the VIP section full of Europeans and Australians. (I really have no clue why we kept getting such luck with all the freeness but I'm going to climb out on a limb and say it's because of me and my boobs. Or perhaps that the girls I am friends with are incredibly beautiful and friendly. [Hmmm... nope, I think it's my boobs].)

Making out with an Australian for like 6 hours straight can be exhuasting, so by 6 am we were ready to leave and actually friggin' sleep. Not before I destroy a peice of red velvet cake, though, which I later regretted on many different levels (and the pictures are terrifying). 

We manage to sleep until noon (which is the most sleep we got the entire weekend) and then checked out and hung by the pool (when I say "hung" i mean we crawled into chairs and flung our limp bodies over them, hoping the sun would cook the booze out of us). Staggering to our cars, haggard, make-up crusted faces, stiff hair, and sun burned skin (I'm sure we smelled like heaven), a promoter walks up and offers us free drinks. Devon-2,Ugly People-1. Even looking like that, she wins.

Leaving sweet, sweet Sin City that evening, we recounted our long, crazy adventure (some of which will stay in Vegas as it should) and discovered some things. They are as follows:

-Morgan is permanently, emotionally scarred from hanging out with us.
-Cayce can catch her own puke.
-Devon HATES ugly people.
-I can survive off nothing but LUNA bars and vodka for days.
-All men cannot resist Cayce. Seriously. Don't even try. Her charm transends race and generations. If she were the president, we would have world peace.
-Old men with balding mullets will do anything to rub Morgan's feet. While she is sweet and innocent, she has no problem telling people to fuck off. She would make a good Sec of Defense. (Being that there would be world peace, she could just sit back and be amazing. Because that is exactly what she is.)
-Devon has no shame. She could talk her way out of a paper bag trying to sue her with a sexual harassment lawsuit. She would make a great VP because she could go in with demands after Cayce bats her lashes. 
-I am a lush. I'm pretty sure I died twice this weekend. Legally. So if I was a position, I'd be like the automobile industry as a whole, and my friends would always be bailing me out.

All in all, this past weekend was more faboosh than watching a Sex and The City Marathon while making out with Ryan Reynolds. Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes - you make me feel special - in a good way! And to Vegas... I love you, you dirty, dirty whore!

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