Tuesday, October 13, 2009
It was brought to my attention the other day that I never discuss anything of real importance in my blogs, just my drunken shenanigans and "self loathing". But I am a deep person who has opinions on all kinds of world affairs. My stance on politics, religion, and New York Fashion Week is something that should be heard. Ultimately though, our greatest issue on earth, as a whole, is obviously killer robots. So, fasten your seat belts my good sirs, I'm about to blow the lid right off this issue!
Anti - killer robot groups would have you believe that these robots are nothing but a terror to our society and a threat to our way of life. I am here to tell you that they're not so bad. Imagine, if you will, a world where you could create your very own killer robot to do your bidding. Let's not be naive here bitches, if these robots are evolved enough to kill, they are evolved enough to do your laundry and be your little slave babies.
What would I do with my personal killer robot you ask? Good question. First, I would make it look like Ryan Reynolds and train it to work out sans most of it's clothing. (Some of you may find this creepy, but you must understand that I am doing this for the sake of humanity and there are some things that I need. So stop being so selfish, ok?) Then, I would teach my robot Spanish and call him Miguel. A bilingual robot will come in handy more often than not. Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, I would install a Gaydar system in it so it could find me new friends to dance with. (Naturally, my robot could also dance and would eventually join Dancing With The Stars. His team mate will be Mischa Barton.) And finally, I would put together a list of people for my robot to kill, making our planet a better place to live. The list is as follows:
1. Carlos Mencia
2. Paris Hilton
3. My old religion teacher from high school. She was a real bitch.
4. Terrell Owens
6. Whoever invented Crocs
7. That jerk that peed on my stairway last night
8. Cats - the entire species
9. Miss California
10. Matthew Glen Kelley
As you can tell, my list is thorough and well thought out. You may be asking why I would list one of my closest friends, Matt Kelley, however, so let me explain. Setting aside the fact that I hate him, I could give him no greater gift in this life then to let him be killed by a huge robot. He is such a hard core loser, that it would be his greatest moment, a gleam of true happiness in his eye, to fall at the hands of a metal monster who will conveniently be singing "Man in the Mirror" as he destroys Matt's very life force. Sometimes all we can do is murder our friends as an act of true selflessness. *sigh*
In closing, killer robots are hardly the worst things that could happen to the earth. Sure, they wreak havoc on every country and do not have morals preventing them from mauling women and children. Sure, they have no emotions and cannot ever really love you back no matter what you force it to say to you. (This one is all YOUR fault James Cameron. You made me believe...) Sure, they will probably turn on you and rip your head off at any given moment. But what about all the robot piggy back rides you could get? Does that mean nothing to you people? Or all the lawn mowing and weed picking they could get done? Do I even have to mention the fact that you will NEVER have to get up for the remote again?!
Don't hate on killer robots, it's not cool. I wouldn't want you to, Matt wouldn't want you to, and neither would Miquel. I rest my case.