Friday, January 8, 2010

Werewolves Vs. Vampires

There is a very intelligent debate currently sweeping our nation and as an expert on teenage lust and irrationality, I thought I would weigh in. The debate I am referring to would be of the werewolves vs. vampires kind. No matter which creature you prefer, there are pros and cons to both.

As a nation, we are quite seduced with the idea of a real vampire. No matter what vampire rules you play by, chances are, that vamp is a hot piece of ass. Being pro-vampire makes sense because they're crazy strong, flawlessly pale, excellent dancers, in some instances they sparkle, and if you are embarrassed to be seen with them, good news - they can't come out during the day (Talk about the perfect booty call!). However, there is a dark side to these folks as well. They have no souls, they're cannibals (drinking blood is fucking eating people, ok?), they're creepy old, and a lot of times they're British. Oh yeah, and technically, they're dead. There's nothing sexy about necrophilia, twi-hards.

Although werewolves aren't usually as titillating as vampires, our culture has been enraptured by this species as long as the other (I don't know that that is factually correct. But I said it so let's assume it's true.). I get the hype, werewolves are men that turn into wolf things at night or on a full moon. Too many rules to address here as well. But the basics are about the same - man beasts with a lust for adventure, giant claw paws, and that needy "I'm so misunderstood" vibe going for them. Again though, there is a con side to this eccentric lifestyle. They are mutants, they eat people (the lines blur with cannibalism), the howling is so annoying, they have dog breath, and usually they end up naked in a field after returning to human form which can present some pretty awkward situations for everyone involved. Oh yeah, and all you planning on sexing one up, look up the laws on bestiality.

My final ruling is that both werewolves and vampires can be pretty badass. Their drawbacks are only drawbacks by human standards. Which would I rather bang? Vampires, hands down. I'm really not an animal person and I would rather hook up with something that at least resembles a man, not a manimal. Which one would I rather go out with to a bar? Werewolves, most def. They're known for downing copious amounts of jello shooters, which always leads to hysterical stories the next day, and if you got into a bar fight, it's a no brainer who would come out victorious (and full).

The verdict is in: werewolves and vampires are cool, the losers (like me) who debate over them, are not!

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