Thursday, January 21, 2010

You Know What I Hate? Part Two

These are some more things that I hate:

1. I hate watching the local Los Angeles news because the reporters all look so bizarre. I can't even concentrate on what they are saying because I'm trying to figure out why their eyebrows are trying to escape from their faces. They've had so much plastic surgery that the only way I know they're trying to show any emotion is by the flaring of a nostril. The left one usually indicates sympathy.

2. I hate when you ask for whipped cream and you get Cool Whip. Cool Whip is a nasty impostor and it tastes like plastic. Whipped cream is yummier and creamier and packed with way more sugar. It's like asking for a Swiss Roll and getting a Ho-Ho. Swiss Rolls are so much more moist and chocolatey. Ho-Ho's are dry and taste like plastic. Anyone who says differently is obviously a communist. Obviously.

3. I hate when you're on vacation and the only hot tub at the hotel is out of order because someone pooped in it. I mean, really? You couldn't just get out and poop in the pool? That would get fixed real quick because everyone lays around it and no one wants to stare at poo but the hot tub is always ignored because it's smaller, away from everything and only sexy people use it (Hey, everyone poops. Even sexy people.). So the next time you feel the hershey squirts coming on and can't sprint to the john in time, be polite, go in the pool. Preferably near a child.

4. I hate the "random" bag check they have before you board the plane after you've gone through security. Um, did we not just take off our shoes, jackets, and accessories, run through a metal detector, get felt up by Suge Knight, and x-rayed by the most invasive machine known to man to see if we had any weapons on us? I had to reveal that I was wearing socks with cats on them, was that in vain sirs? Now you want to check again. Well, I say nay. There's no way in hell a bomb got through that so if someone got any drugs through, I say let them have it, they earned it.

5. I hate when people have disturbingly long nose hair. It's like they don't have mirrors or anyone in their lives that care about them. No stranger wants you coming up to them, asking for directions, all the while your nose hairs are sticking out waving hello. That's victimizing another human being. Did they ask to be winked at by a rogue nostril strand? Hell no. So stop being so selfish and take a pair of GD scissors to it before it can hurt anyone else.

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