Friday, December 11, 2009

This Christmas, BNasty!

I'm constantly giving people advice on career  moves, relationships, and how many tequila shots is too many. Since everyone wants to know how to have a fabulous holiday, it is only natural that they turn to me for the answers. Although Christmas is not my favorite holiday (Halloween is by far!), I still not how to rock the shit out of it.

Let's be real here, this holiday is all about traveling, booze, and trying not to get fat in the short span of time that you're home. I'll address the traveling first; no matter what, it's gonna suck. There will be lines, angry airline workers, and inevitably the fattest dude on the plane will try to sit next to you. Then he'll do his fat guy breathing all over you and steal your arm rest.

This brings me to my next point - booze. Don't wait until you're home with people who have a way of making you feel sympathy towards those who commit homicide. Start in the bar while you wait for your plane. Better yet, get a buddy to drop you off at the airport and start in the car. If you do that, you might even be able to take a cat nap on the plane while Jabba the Hut sucks up everyone's oxygen.

Once you are sufficiently sauced up, you arrive home and start stuffing your face with your mother's buttery mashed potatoes and your dad's secret stash of very expensive brandy. If you keep this up for days on end, the last month you spent sweating out your insides at the gym will all have been for nothing. And that dress you bought for NYE will literally scream when you try to squeeze it over your chunk. To counteract this glorious fatfest... dance bitches. DANCE. (See my blog about my fave Xmas songs for something to get that rump a shakin'!) I don't care when or where you do it, just do it. When you're gnawing on that titanic piece of ham, do the Tootsie Roll. When you're helping your sisters put up Xmas lights, do the Roger Rabbit.  When you're giving the Christmas toast, do the Sprinkler.  Just get creative and keep that fine fanny moving!

In closing, my advice to all of you is simple: love the ones you're with, enjoy whatever holiday that your parents have forced upon you, and most of all, BNasty!

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