Wednesday, December 16, 2009
A Musical Guide to the Holidays
Ah, the holidays are upon us as we scramble to get last minute gifts done and pre New Year's botox injected. I know how hard it is for all of you out there to juggle responsibilities and drug habits, so I am here to ease your load.
In all of this hubbub, when do you get the chance to do something for you? You are a nice, magical person just like the rest of us, so sit back and let me check off something from your "To Do" list. I took it upon myself to suggest a compilation of my favorite holiday songs that are not only a treat for your ears, but one for your abdomen muscles as well. They are as follows:
"Funky, Funky Xmas" by the New Kids on the Block
This sweet jam, circa 1989, not only encourages you to enjoy yourself on Christmas, but to get funky with it. Assuming the word "funky" is supposed to mean cool or groovy, they missed the mark by being rapping white children from the 80s whose pants could be used a safety device in an emergency plane landing on the Atlantic Ocean. Needless to say, this group is the authority on classy apparel and musical epiphanies, so rockin' their album is the obvious choice.
"Jingle Bells" by Barbara Streisand
My favorite Jew took a classic holiday song and sang it to make you feel as though you just took a line of coke off your grandma's dresser. Trying to keep up with her while spewing out lyrics that have been ingrained in you since childhood is a hard feat. Instead of feeling like a loser, download this song and turn it into a drinking game. Anyone who can't sing - you'll end up shouting actually (trust me) - the first verse without sounding like a Mets player with a stutter, drink!
"Christmas Tree" by Lady Gaga (featuring Space Cowboy)
This dance song is crazy and unsafe. She sings about tasting her Christmas tree and that it's "delicious". Do not chew or nibble on your tree. The pine leaves will scratch your face and the bark will kill you. Then, she claims she wants people to get under the tree! What? You put presents under your tree, not people. Finally, she wants to take off her clothes and "Fa la la la la"... um... oh, wait...
"Merry Xmas, Happy Holidays" by *NSYNC
I don't care who you are or how much you don't believe in God, it is impossible not get amped when pumping this track. This is the holiday song that no one wants to admit that they love because it's *NSync and the video showcases their ability to fly over the earth in a sleigh, feed a bunch of homeless guys (who are presumably gay), and dance through feathers without their hair moving a inch. Jealousy is an unfortunate thing and should not be present during the holidays. (Get it? Present? HA)
" I Wanna Rock You Hard This Christmas" by the Dan Band
If anyone knows me well, they know that I like my music chocked full of blatant, sexual innuendo. The Dan Band does not disappoint with this holiday romp encouraging us to enjoy our holiday "While the egg nog is all noggy, and the fire is all aglow, while our bodies are heatin' up in yuletide places down below!" And with a Christmas album entitled "Ho", they've got my heart and my Christmas Tree! (I'm onto you Lady Gaga!)
"Dick in a Box" by the Lonely Island (Performed by Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake)
I like this track mostly because it involves a smorgasbord of holidays - Kwanzaa (a personal fave), Hanukkah, the Country Music Awards and Christmas. Their message is equality. Everyone deserves such a fine gift on their religious, sacred holiday of choice. Maybe if our world leaders would take a hint from this song and video, including the amazing blazers, we would have a little more world peace and a little less aggression.
"Where are You Christmas?" by Faith Hill
Holy shit. Faith Hill lost Christmas. There are gonna be some pissed off gentiles come December 25th. Ironic that she sang this song for the The Grinch Who Stole Christmas movie because it wasn't the big, creepy green dude we had to worry about. Although belting out this number in my car, drastically off tune and at a frightening loud decibel, is a butt load of fun, my advice to you, Faith, is that the next time you lose a national holiday, don't sing about it. Just lie and say you swore you saw it on the counter before you left and either the dog or the baby got to it (Because no one can get mad at dogs or babies.).
"I'll Be Home for Christmas" by any artist
This is my all time favorite Christmas song. I have lived away, very far away, from home for so long that this always makes me nostalgic and happy. It's a great song for soldiers who are overseas or for anyone who is missing loved ones. Even if you don't celebrate any holidays or have any religious beliefs, it is so nice to be able to go home and visit friends and family once a year. You can reconnect with old acquaintances, stroll through your hometown, and most importantly, prove to your grandparents that you aren't a lesbian like they predicted you would be. Oh, and of course, free presents! Holla!