Top Ten Reasons I Will Probably Murder a Cab Driver

Have you ever had the utter joy of riding in a taxi? If not, get your country ass out to a city where you can have the grimy experience of riding in one and meeting the scum of the earth - cabbies! Here is a list of reasons that may lead to a guilty conviction of mine one day:

10. 98% of cab drivers do not speak English in America. Like, at all. Okay, they might know numbers, but unless you are a computer, it is hard to have a conversation based on about ten digits. They speak a common language all over the world - Asshole. (It's the secondary language in Canada, for the record.)

9. They never encourage you to wear a seatbelt. They don't care about your safety. All they care about is their POS car and that you don't puke in it. To counteract their lack of human emotion, I actively try to puke every time I am in a taxi, wether I've been drinking or not.

8. All cab drivers are on their blue tooths the ENTIRE time they're driving. I don't know who the hell they're talking to, but I know for sure it's not their mothers. You see, cab drivers are grown in factories overseas. They have no mothers. Or souls.

7. Speaking of no souls, one time I was in Vegas trying to get a cab ride to the hospital because my friend had been taken to the ER. Every time I told the driver I needed to go to the hospital, they sped off and left. You see, they would rather leave a person to die outside of a casino than to risk anything happening to their stained, booze covered shit mobiles. No souls.

6. Taxi drivers always try to take you the long way, hiking up the price of the ride. And when you correct them, they start huffing and puffing and before you know it, you're in a full scale cuss out session with the guy, threatening him, his family, and his beloved blue tooth. I really fucking hate having to cuss.

5. Cabbies are overly defensive. One time, I was leaving a club and some band was smoking a bunch of pot. As I stepped into the cab, I mentioned to my friend that it smelled like a pot factory outside. The driver turned and said "You have a problem with my incense?" and I was all like "Huh?"(He is one of the 2% of cabbies that speak English.) After clearing up what I was talking about, I then got mad because I had to explain myself to this cretin. So, instead of sitting there in silence, I made obnoxious remarks about him and his stupid incense for the rest of the ride. One comment was along the lines of "I hope your incense burns the car down."

4. All cab drivers have a bizarre tick. I have seen them shake, seize, blink excessively, growl, snore, sing, sit on the horn and hold the middle finger up the entire duration of the ride. My friend had a cabbie that barked at red lights. I had a cabbie that picked me up - he literally looked like a corpse - and mumbled to himself the whole time. When we came to a stop, he became quiet. I thought he died.

3. These creatures never respond to you, so you must assume they understand what you tell them. For instance, I told a cabbie my address. I fell asleep and 40 min later we are on the side of the rode and he was consulting a map. After I got us to my house, I demanded to not pay the full amount because he was driving in circles and never told me he didn't know where he was going. This resulted in me and him outside the cab in each other's faces. He claimed I was blackmailing him. Obviously, he was not apart of the 2%. So I gave him a good old fashioned verbal lashing and then went inside when he threatened to call the cops. I knew I was safe because he claimed that he would call 411.

2. In the great state of California, all taxis MUST accept credit cards as a form of payment. No matter what they tell you. They do not like to do this, however, because then they have to claim their tips. I have had more fights then I can remember (literally) with these drivers because they won't take a card. Then, when they finally give in realizing that they won't get paid if they don't, they bitch at you because you don't tip. Hey buddy, next time don't accuse me of being drunk and unruly and I won't insult you, your religion and I may just leave you a tip. But probably not.

1. Every taxi these days has a GPS. I'm not sure why this pisses me off so badly but I think it's because cab drivers are supposed to know where they are and where they are going. Also, GPS will take you the shortest route, so they have no excuse to screw you over by taking the long way. Mostly, it upsets me when I give them an address and the name of an infamous bar or restaurant and their GPS doesn't recognize it so they turn to you and shrug. Are you fucking kidding me? What do you suppose I should do? Just go somewhere else? That's like going to a lawyer and saying your 1st amendment rights have been denied and they tell you that their internet is down so they're not really sure wtf the 1st amendment is but if they had access to Wikapedia they could represent you. Maybe.

These are my reasons for hating the necessary evil that is taxis and their drivers. I hope you all join me in my efforts to puke in every cab I ride in. Make me proud!