You Know What They Say...

Have you ever wondered to yourself, who the fuck are "they"? And where do "they" find the time to say all these things? I wouldn't mind getting hired as one of "them" and just start making shit up.

It's always the most bizarre sayings that get thrown at you in an attempt to make you feel better. "Be careful what you wish for, you may just get it". Ummm... I know. That's why I'm wishing for it. Otherwise, I would have revamped my wish to specify that I not receive it. "Have confidence in yourself and you can lick anything". That's just bad advice, destined to end in a porn career or a quick bout of H1N1. "What is meant to be will be". This may be true, however, you may be destined to be punched in the mouth by my fist-o-fury. Does that saying make you feel any better about it?

Then there are the obvious ones like "You can't buy love". It's like they've never heard of Russian mail order brides; it's a business where everyone wins. "You can't have your cake and it, too". I'm not sure what this crackhead does with their cake, but one thing is fo sho - if you put any kind of sugary goodness in front of my fat ass, whether it's yours, mine or unknown, I will eat it. "No news is good news". Erroneous. This person has apparently never called a guy expecting a second date and received nada in return. They also haven't had the joy of going to an acting audition. "Your time is the greatest gift you can give someone". Nope. Two words - free pizza.

Of course we can't ignore the sayings that don't make any goddamn sense. For example, "You are what you eat". The only way that this could be true would be to eat another person, but cannibalism is illegal. Tempting, but illegal. "Can't get blood from a stone". Who is under the impression that you could? While we're on the topic, if you could get something, anything, out of a stone, why would you choose blood? You don't know if that blood has AIDS and once you get the blood, what were your plans for it? Try to get money out of a stone, it's more productive.

"Never look a gift horse in the mouth" is by far the most bewildering of all sayings to me. Firstly, I have always had a healthy fear of horses so I was completely unaware that some of them gave out gifts. Or is that just slang for reindeer? Also, why can't you look it in the mouth? I would assume that that is where the gifts come out and would refuse to take a "gift" from  the other end.

A "Word to the wise" maybe be"Just because everyone's doing something doesn't mean it's right" but "A little bird told me" that that's only true about everything but Glee.

Ugly Picture Challenge! UPDATE!

And the winner is... ME!!!

You didn't think that any of you are weird looking enough to beat me at my own disturbing game... did you? HAHA!

This is my Florida driver's license. I look like Andy Richter and Lindsay Lohan's love child. 

 +  = ME

Or that I ate this person...

What can I say? She looked weak and confused.

Pedro C.'s comment was my fave: "Where is my umbrella ya'll? I gotta beat up some paparazzi!"

Perhaps because it was the funniest or perhaps my quest to become like Britney has come full circle and my fans appreciate it.

Don't pout that you didn't win people. In a contest like this, everyone is a winner.
BUT VICTORY IS MINE!

Ugly Picture Challenge!

I am one of the most unphotogenic human beings the world has ever known. I can't even count the number of times I have taken a bad picture or how often my friends start "finding the most hideous picture of Brenna and post it all over the internet" contests. In light of that fact, and the fact that I am shameless when it comes to attention and funny things, I am going to show you my passport picture:

You're welcome.

I challenge any brave soul to try and one up this HIDEOUS picture. Your picture needs to be some kind of official ID, school ID, driver's license or passport. Not just some drunk picture your asshole buddies took of you. 

Email me at BrennaKellyFilms@yahoo.com or send it to me via Facebook. I will update this blog and announce a winner.

Another challenge is who can write the funniest caption to this photo in the below comment section.

The prize, you ask? GLORY.

Be Funny or Die. Seriously.

Recently, I shot a bunch of skits/sketches/little videos to post on Funny or Die (and You Tube, etc.). It was so much fun and the only drawback is that I am not able to shoot more often because of schedules and work and bar hopping. When I was in college, I was able to create and execute lots of videos, movies and musical hoopla's and that was such a wonderful time because it was a way of living out my dream on a smaller scale.

Another perk to doing things like this is that in a strange way, I am able to exist in the same world as Will Ferrell. That is, without cold calling everyone in the greater Los Angeles area, becoming a pizza delivery chick near his neighborhood, and generally not breaking a bunch of laws by stalking him. I have idolized that man since such a young age and seeing him on SNL in the late 90s is what inspired me to become a comedian. Someone like him, so dedicated to the art form called comedy, inspires me every day to fight for what I believe in and he provides fighters such as myself a forum to do so.

I know a lot of people that work jobs just to pay the bills while waiting for their big break. Half of my LA friends are the very fashionable "starving artists" and the other half spend their daily daydreams on a life less traveled. Being that R&B music producer, becoming the hot shot lawyer that takes the courtroom by storm, or evolving into the pulitzer prize winning author of a harrowing autobiography.

To take away our creative outlets, whether it be our career of choice or our weekly pottery class, would be to take a large piece of our humanity away. We are creative creatures and we need to have that release. I realize that I fall toward the more severe end of the creative spectrum and the loss of my creativity would equal the loss of not only my mental well being but also my heart. I strive every day to achieve my passion and life's purpose and I encourage everyone to do so as well. While mine may be to make you laugh, yours might be your children or your community sports programs. Whose to say which one is more important or more relevant when a part of yourself is at stake?

Do not disregard your (day) dreams and remember that life is not meant to just be survived. And of course, keep your sense of humor. Life without laughter is no life at all. Seriously.

You Know What I Hate? Part Two

These are some more things that I hate:

1. I hate watching the local Los Angeles news because the reporters all look so bizarre. I can't even concentrate on what they are saying because I'm trying to figure out why their eyebrows are trying to escape from their faces. They've had so much plastic surgery that the only way I know they're trying to show any emotion is by the flaring of a nostril. The left one usually indicates sympathy.

2. I hate when you ask for whipped cream and you get Cool Whip. Cool Whip is a nasty impostor and it tastes like plastic. Whipped cream is yummier and creamier and packed with way more sugar. It's like asking for a Swiss Roll and getting a Ho-Ho. Swiss Rolls are so much more moist and chocolatey. Ho-Ho's are dry and taste like plastic. Anyone who says differently is obviously a communist. Obviously.

3. I hate when you're on vacation and the only hot tub at the hotel is out of order because someone pooped in it. I mean, really? You couldn't just get out and poop in the pool? That would get fixed real quick because everyone lays around it and no one wants to stare at poo but the hot tub is always ignored because it's smaller, away from everything and only sexy people use it (Hey, everyone poops. Even sexy people.). So the next time you feel the hershey squirts coming on and can't sprint to the john in time, be polite, go in the pool. Preferably near a child.

4. I hate the "random" bag check they have before you board the plane after you've gone through security. Um, did we not just take off our shoes, jackets, and accessories, run through a metal detector, get felt up by Suge Knight, and x-rayed by the most invasive machine known to man to see if we had any weapons on us? I had to reveal that I was wearing socks with cats on them, was that in vain sirs? Now you want to check again. Well, I say nay. There's no way in hell a bomb got through that so if someone got any drugs through, I say let them have it, they earned it.

5. I hate when people have disturbingly long nose hair. It's like they don't have mirrors or anyone in their lives that care about them. No stranger wants you coming up to them, asking for directions, all the while your nose hairs are sticking out waving hello. That's victimizing another human being. Did they ask to be winked at by a rogue nostril strand? Hell no. So stop being so selfish and take a pair of GD scissors to it before it can hurt anyone else.

Werewolves Vs. Vampires

There is a very intelligent debate currently sweeping our nation and as an expert on teenage lust and irrationality, I thought I would weigh in. The debate I am referring to would be of the werewolves vs. vampires kind. No matter which creature you prefer, there are pros and cons to both.

As a nation, we are quite seduced with the idea of a real vampire. No matter what vampire rules you play by, chances are, that vamp is a hot piece of ass. Being pro-vampire makes sense because they're crazy strong, flawlessly pale, excellent dancers, in some instances they sparkle, and if you are embarrassed to be seen with them, good news - they can't come out during the day (Talk about the perfect booty call!). However, there is a dark side to these folks as well. They have no souls, they're cannibals (drinking blood is fucking eating people, ok?), they're creepy old, and a lot of times they're British. Oh yeah, and technically, they're dead. There's nothing sexy about necrophilia, twi-hards.

Although werewolves aren't usually as titillating as vampires, our culture has been enraptured by this species as long as the other (I don't know that that is factually correct. But I said it so let's assume it's true.). I get the hype, werewolves are men that turn into wolf things at night or on a full moon. Too many rules to address here as well. But the basics are about the same - man beasts with a lust for adventure, giant claw paws, and that needy "I'm so misunderstood" vibe going for them. Again though, there is a con side to this eccentric lifestyle. They are mutants, they eat people (the lines blur with cannibalism), the howling is so annoying, they have dog breath, and usually they end up naked in a field after returning to human form which can present some pretty awkward situations for everyone involved. Oh yeah, and all you planning on sexing one up, look up the laws on bestiality.

My final ruling is that both werewolves and vampires can be pretty badass. Their drawbacks are only drawbacks by human standards. Which would I rather bang? Vampires, hands down. I'm really not an animal person and I would rather hook up with something that at least resembles a man, not a manimal. Which one would I rather go out with to a bar? Werewolves, most def. They're known for downing copious amounts of jello shooters, which always leads to hysterical stories the next day, and if you got into a bar fight, it's a no brainer who would come out victorious (and full).

The verdict is in: werewolves and vampires are cool, the losers (like me) who debate over them, are not!

2010: The Year of the Breakthrough

2009 was a year of great improvements in my life. For one, I was proven right that Britney would indeed have her comeback. More importantly, I fell in love with a beach town where I now live and wrote a bunch of stuff I'm very proud of. 2010 needs to be a year for me and for you where we buckle down and see the fruition of all our hard work.

If you're like me, you spent NYE reflecting on the past year and wondering what the hell happened to all the money you made. A lot of you will probably say student loans or new cars, but mine is mostly just going out to bars and paying secret mistresses to shut their whorish mouths. This year I will be 25 years old and I really don't have much to show for it besides 25 years worth of tattoos, drunken stories and terrible hair dying experiences.

When I traveled downtown for the NYE party that DNasty and I were to attend, I felt sorry for myself. I'm not where I would like to be in my career, I'm eternally single, and I'm still trying to suck in the chunk that I swore I would lose last year. I stared up at the full, blue moon and sang along to Lady Gaga hoping it would lift my spirits.

The feeling deepened when we entered the soundstage/club and realized that all the VERY expensive VIP areas were crowded with 18 year olds. It's not awesome to realize you are on the wrong side of 20 in Hollywood and seeing the black guy from Reno 911 was cool, but didn't pull me out of it.

Before midnight I took out my phone and realized I had a ton of texts and phone calls. So many people wishing the best, missing me, and telling me that they love me. I shut my phone and had an epiphany - I am one of the luckiest people in the world.

It doesn't matter that I'm not famous yet or that Ryan Reynolds hasn't realized his true feelings for me. I have a family and so many friends who love me unconditionally and have unwavering support for me, even when I'm in doubt of myself. I've made so many mistakes and fashion faux pas and yet I'm still here, aspiring and inspiring. I mean, WWBD? (What Would Britney Do?) She had so much more to battle and claw through to get her life back. Just when she was bald, crazy, a little fat and we were all losing hope, she turned it around and is kicking ass again (whether people like it or not). Are we so different? Well, yes, but you can see where I'm going.

Midnight struck and a cloud of sparkly confetti swirled around me. The year changed and so did I, because it was time. I need to focus more, be more disciplined, party a little less. This is to be the year I breakthrough and I would push others to do it with me. Whatever they've been striving for, I would help. Even if it's just with my words.

And so I urge you all to do what you love and pursue passion of any kind. By the time another strange, full, blue moon comes around, I hope we can all look back and see years of love, happiness, and fun. What will you do this year?